There is never necessarily a good time to learn that you aren't who you thought you were meant to be. It's heart-breaking, and disappointing and it makes you want to crawl under your covers and never resurface. Its the kind of ache in your chest that makes you wish you could rip it from out of you. You pray that you get to sleep tonight without waking up over and over again, reaching out for someone who isn't there. It is even harder when you go through each day, hoping for a better something. I wish that something positive would happen to distract me from the fact that I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I look at myself in the mirror and now I can't help but point out all my flaws to myself, when before I never thought twice about how I looked, because only his opinion mattered... Now all I can think about is how bad the next guy's gonna hurt me, I wonder what I have to look forward to. But why do I always compare them? This isn't me.. What am I doing? I hate him for sleeping with her... for ruining our family... I hate him for doing what he did, knowing the consequences.. I hate how he lied through his teeth and made me out to feel like the crazy one... Why did you do it? Why would you make me hurt like this? Why would you make it so hard to get you out of my head.. I want to be happy and you are making it so hard to be happy... You always creep into the back of my head every time I just want to forget you... Why won't my brain let me forget you? No amount of booze, or drugs, or nicotine can take you away... I just want one night where I don't feel like my hearts hiding in terror inside my stomach... One night where my little boy says, "Daddy" and it doesn't make me want to start crying. How do you live with yourself? How could you lie to me for months? Lay beside me in bed and live with that lie? Try to marry me, with that lie? What do you take me for? Did you think I'd never find out? That you got away with it... Did it make you feel like a man, when you lied? When you looked me in these sad, brown eyes and lied, with no hesitation? You've always been good at that; on the spot lies. To cover up other lies you think I had no idea about. How bad does your nose burn everytime I ask you where the hard earned money I handed you every 75 hour week of work? How did your lungs feel when I'd come home crying in pain, having anxiety attacks and you'd leave me to fix myself. I got really good at that, baby. Picking myself up. Building myself up. Making sure I'm good. Making sure that you were good too, even though now I realize you never deserved how good I treated you. I did everything for you. But, that's what you get when you try to raise a man, huh? That's what you get when you stand by someone through thick and thin, through sickness and through health, through the good and the bad, and you still end up being nothing...
I just want to know how you expect me to just be okay? How you look at me with those sad, brown eyes and ask me if you would ever get another chance.. another chance to make me look dumb? Another chance to make me feel so low, that I didn't think you could make me feel any lower? Yet, somehow, you still managed to accomplish that.. You ended up making me feel 100x worse somehow still! It's almost amazing, really. Are you even sorry? You know what? Maybe it's best I don't know... But do me a favor.. Get out of my head.
I'm trying so hard to move on from you. To use what you've done to me to be more cautious with potential boyfriends. I hate that now I have yet another wall I've built around myself, because you violated my trust. You made me weak. You made me break. You made me into someone I didn't even recognize anymore... The emotional blow after blow. The way you made me feel so ugly, so unattractive. You never touched me, you never gave me that "God, she's gorgeous" look. You never cared... You never played with my hair, I never heard the random you look nice or I love you's... You show no emotion... I am nothing but emotions. I hate being ignored, and that was your favorite game. If I did anything for you, it was never enough, I was never enough... Why wasn't I ever enough, baby? Why couldn't you change for the better like you promised me oh, so many times? Why couldn't you be the man I needed you to be? That our babies need you to be?
I'll say it again,
I'm trying SO hard to move on from you. I love the way this new guy makes me feel.. He's your opposite. He never makes me question how attractive he sees me as. He never fails to tell me I'm beautiful. He never complains about me being "over-affectionate". He never makes me feel annoying, or useless, or sad. He holds me, and I feel so safe. He kisses me and the butterflies in my stomach start doing twists and turns. He looks me in the eyes and it sends shivers down my spine.. It's exactly what I have looked for, exactly for what I need in my life... But, yet, I'm terrified of him. I'm terrified that he'll end up just like you.. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to compare pros and cons. Similarities and differences. I just want to be happy. I want to be happy with him but every instance of bull shit I put up with for you floats up in my mind and makes me question literally everything. Makes me wonder if I should even try because now my guards are up so high I doubt anyone in the world will have the patience for me now... I can't handle how emotionally fucked you've made me. I can't handle how you have literally torn me into so many pieces that for once, picking myself up is so hard it makes me want to cry... It's s o hard trying to make my heart available to someone who actually deserves it when you've destroyed it to the point I don't even think it's repairable.. I hate you for making it hard to love him...
You broke me, you bastard. I hope you're happy..
- A Poem by Danelle Donoho
